And Then It Ended

My breastfeeding journey has had ups and downs, but way more downs than ups. 

When Price was born, it took a little over an hour for him to finally latch on. But, he did, and he did a great job. He ate constantly, and seemed to fall asleep satisfied. He was having the right amount of poops and pees, and I was just positive that things were going well. But then  we had our first doctor's appointment for a weight check the day after we left the hospital. Price had lost another 3 oz. on top of the 8 oz he had already lost during our hospital stay (which is normal). We continued to have weight checks every other day for 2 weeks, and his weight was just not budging. He wasn't losing, but he wasn't gaining. He was eating what seemed like all the time. I was getting advice from every direction and trying to take it all into consideration, but nothing seemed to help him gain weight. I had seen lactation consultants, talked to my mom, my breastfeeding friends, and everyone just said to keep trying. So I did. 

At Price's 1 month appointment, he was still 3 oz below his birth weight of 6lb, 7oz, and that was even after I had began supplementing with my best friend's breast milk. The doctor said the words I had been scared to hear...

"He is a failure to thrive."

The doctor pointed out his sagging skin and wrinkled head where there should be small baby fat rolls forming. I finally saw that he was not doing well. He slept too much for a new breastfed baby, and his newborn clothes still swallowed him. 

The guilt was too much to handle. I felt like I had been starving my baby for my selfish need to breastfeed. I wanted nothing more than to do what was best for him, but in that process I had harmed him. I knew that breast milk was best for him, but I just wasn't able to produce enough for him. Then I felt guilty for having to give him formula. It was a no win situation for me, but I knew that I had to do it for him.

I continued to breastfeed for every feeding, and then I would give him formula after. I tried EVERYTHING to get my supply up so that we could go back to just breastfeeding, but it just never happened. I pumped and nursed constantly, around the clock. I took herbal supplements and drank special tea. I drank my weight in water and made sure I was getting enough calories. Nothing worked. 

Then came the unbelievable gas, constipation, and screaming. Price has an intolerance to cow's milk protein. I had to go three days without nursing to let the dairy get out of my system. I pumped as often as I could, but I knew my supply was dropping even more. Finally when we could nurse again, he went right back to it with no problems, but my milk supply had suffered and showed no signs of returning. 

I continued to tell myself that any breast milk is better than none. 

When I returned to work after 8 weeks off, it was so hard to continue to work on building up my milk supply and I just knew that after a month of supplementing with formula, Price would never be exclusively breastfed again. I still pump as many times a day as possible to give him whatever I can. And up until last week (4 months old), I continued to nurse any time he would agree. 

And then he quit. He just stopped. I went to nurse him one night, which is how he was always fed if he woke up, and he just refused it. And he hasn't nursed since. 

I am so heartbroken that I didn't know that his last time was his last time. I would have savored it more, and rubbed his little cheek, and admired his little noises against the quiet night. I wouldn't have wished it away so that I could get back to sleep. 

I still try everyday just in case he decides he wants to nurse again, but it hasn't happened yet, and I doubt it will. I still pump throughout the day to bottle feed him as much breast milk as possible. And I still feel a nagging guilt for not trying harder in the beginning, for starving my baby, and for our dependence on formula. 

Why is motherhood so riddled with constant guilt that I'm not doing a good enough job? Being a mom is hard. But in the end, I know that my baby is fed, he is happy, he has fat cheeks, he still gets breast milk and all of the benefits from it, and I know that I really did try all that I could.